It had been a while since I was excited to go on a date. But this one was different, it was the first time I had really felt a connection with someone before meeting them (or even talking to them on the phone) – I was excited. We could joke around – both were sarcastic but seemed to know when the other was kidding. The only phone conversation we had was on his way to the restaurant. He had left me a message the day before and I tried to call him back to no avail. I had originally described his voice as nasally – based only on his voicemail (hey – I’m pretty particular about voices), turns out I would soon use another word to describe it.
We met at the restaurant. I was parked out front in a space that would most likely allow me to watch him pull in and walk into the restaurant. My first thought: OH SHIT – when I saw him pull in and get out of his car with a license plate that contained the word “PHAT”. WHAT?! Crap. I could leave - he didn't see me. Eh, it’s a free meal. So – we get seated, order drinks and begin talking. My first impression: “Is this guy gay?” Not that there is anything wrong with that, well except then he should probably not be on a date with me. Why did I think that, you ask. Where to begin?! First, his voice – you know, the one I originally deemed “nasally”, turns out “feminine” might be a better word, especially when he got mad or excited. The Mango Tango Twist or whatever the hell his tutti-fruity drink was called, was also a concern. Then there was the
“over-share” portion of the date (and by “portion” – I mean the entire date).
It may have originally been me who made an “ex” comment – my bad. Apparently he took my lone ex comment to mean it was OK for him to divulge his entire romantic history, leaving no detail out. First I learned about his recent ex, who he met on Match – was engaged to her within six months until she recanted and said she couldn't marry him, but still wanted to “date”. According to him, it was her sisters’ faults. They convinced her to break it off because “he was too good to be true – or something”. Time would tell me there may have been other reasons for their feelings. I also learned that his sister was still living with his ex. Nice, how very um…Jerry Springerish. He didn't take long to get to the good stuff about his divorce. (As you may have picked up on – I did not do a lot of talking that night). I learned they dated for three years and were married for six months when she said she wanted a divorce. Then we got to the especially personal and too uncomfortable to talk about/hear about on the first date stuff, like him coming home one day, after they were separated and no longer living in the same house, to find her “f*#king” her ex-husband (completely appropriate language for a first date, or not). But let’s not stop there – the oversharing continued when he went on to talk about the time he tried to go to the house and the locks were changed and she had filed for a restraining order because she was afraid he would empty out the house (yea, I’m sure that was the reason). And that, my friends – was just the dinner portion of the first date.
After dinner we decided to walk around East Lansing and get ice cream – which provided an opportunity for a whole other too much information conversation. But, this one I semi-encouraged (after he began to talk about it and then stopped) and ended up participating in. So he began talking about various health problems, from breaking his back to the surgery and subsequent staph infect to his heart condition, aneurysm, and pace maker. Later I found out he also had ADD (of course, why wouldn't he?!)Look there’s a chicken!
I talked a little bit about my Epilepsy which apparently gave him the go ahead to tell me everything about his health including the day he was on the way to the hospital and he sneezed, causing his aneurysm to burst. I’m really not trying to be insensitive but by that point in the night I knew more about this fool’s personal life than I could handle. I learned that once in the hospital one of the doctor’s refused to give him any more drugs because he thought he was addicted. So – the “way too personal for a first date (or third or fifth even)” chatter went on.
The ride to my car was enjoyable, with him singing (the guy had a great voice, I’ll give him that) and me singing and just being silly. We talked for a while and I finally kissed him goodnight. As I drove away I tried to soak in everything from the date, which was completely impossible – but I also decided that I did have a good time and it was worth a second date.
For our second date I drove to the Flint area, where he lived. We were supposed to go to his Studio, but ended up just talking at his apartment. It was a good night; we talked a lot, kissed and cuddled. As he was showing me something on his computer I said I was getting tired and should probably get on the road…but he had something he had to tell me/show me first. Oh shit, here we go. So he starts tearing up as he begins this loooooong story about how when he got married he had to turn in paperwork because he was on disability (I did tell you he was on disability, right?!) so he would be covered by his wife’s insurance. But something happened with the paperwork (says he) - he did submit it but they didn't get it and on and on and on. As he starts to cry all I want to do is shout “stop talking – now. It’s no big deal. I’m tired. I want to go home.” But I held it together and watched as he pulled up the Felony page on the website to show me what I would find if I ever tried to look him up. So he continues with the sniffles and says sometimes girls won’t accept it and he had to tell me. I wanted to say “of course you had to tell me, what don’t you tell me? Next up – your poop schedule”. So I tell him – if he says it was an honest mistake and he actually did turn it in or whatever the claim was - I believed him. Even if I hadn't I would've said it to get the hell out of dodge (and I was 65% sure I did). So after what seemed like forever, I made my escape.
To be continued...
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