Note To Self (and all of you): Passionate = Unstable (Part II)

When we weren’t together the text messages would come in mass, and to be completely honest I kind of loved them. If anyone else told me they were getting those I would’ve gagged my brains out – and to be honest, I would once in a while over his, but they still made me smile. I woke up every morning to a song lyric text message and it wasn’t getting old. Every night he would call or tell me to call before I went to bed and sing me to sleep, that on the other hand, was getting old. It should’ve been a big fat red flag looking back, I mean – who does that?! Not any self-respecting straight man one might think!

 So date number three is scheduled, he is going to come to Lansing for dinner and a movie. He picks me up and we head to the movie theater, where I find him to be a bit obnoxious. First he starts bitching about something having to do with the Slurpee he is substituting for a pop and then proceeds to shake it and bang it and whatever else during the movie (during the quietest parts, it seemed). I wanted to cry. Speaking of crying, during a couple parts in the movie I seriously thought he might cry and I thought to myself “self – if he starts crying, this is done. I’ll stick out the movie, since it is already paid for and I really want to see it, but then BUH BYE”. Well happy to say we made it through tearless. He was definitely a toucher, I don’t think there were more than 2 seconds during the movie (well, maybe when he was banging his Slurpee like a sledge hammer on the seat in front of him) that he wasn’t rubbing my hand, caressing my arm, etc. I do enjoy that type of stuff so it was nice but I also acknowledged that a couple months in, this might get pretty annoying. 

After the movie we went back to my apartment and he broke out his guitar. The first thing he wanted me to hear was the song he wrote for “his daughter”; his daughter who had lived a few short minutes after birth, 11 years ago. Again, I know I sound cruel – I obviously have NO clue what it is like to lose a child, but the fact that I had been on three dates with this guy and have heard about her – with intense, unmistakable sadness in his voice, on every date - was a little concerning. Anyway, he sang a couple other songs and then we started kissing. Oh settle down, it was all PG. Well, maybe PG-13. We talked a lot and he held me, during the course of conversation I told him I don’t usually date more than one person at a time, just a preference. What I did NOT say (you’ll see why I’m putting in this disclaimer, a little later) was that I was his girlfriend or that we were exclusive. So after some making out and him offering to stay the night and whatever, I walked him to the door, kissed him goodnight and told him to text me when he got home. Shortly after he left I went to bed.

I woke up when I heard the ding of my text message. I opened my eyes in horror to this, "I'm home my sexy gf lol". I thought maybe I could ignore it. Then the next day I received this, “I did send you a friend request on fb - boy do i change my status and announce to FB who I'm in a relationship with?! LoL.” I started pacing around work saying “Gf?! GF?! NO GF!” I’m lucky they didn’t call Security, or a therapist. So, I replied: “Don't take this the wrong way but I think we need to talk about the whole "gf/bf/relationship" status thing.”

WOAH, wrong thing to say. I get this in return:  

“ As far as the other stuff goes just never mind apparently ur taking something wrong or whatever I didn’t think goofing around and being playful with words and stuff was a bad thing im not going to say another thing. Plus im not going to share anything that crosses my mind or anything anymore cause now I feel like a complete ass. So im going to go. You have a nice remainder of the day and sweet dreams tonight. Take care goodbye.”

I didn’t know what to think, so I replied, “Are you serious with all that?” And then when he didn’t respond I followed up with, “So are we done then?” Eventually I received an email:

“Well, I guess I was wrong to think that when you said this was exclusive or couldn't see multiple people and then after last night said no regrets and you would do it all over again. Yet your still on match. So that tells me basically all I need to know and I just want to say thank you for making me feel 2 foot tall. So good luck and I guess I won't contact you anymore which absolutely kills me more than you know. Nice guy gets shit on again. Good-bye”

Oh hell. So, I respond: 
“Obviously you misunderstood what I said last night. While I did say that I don't like to date more than one person at a time because it can be confusing I did not say I considered us exclusive or that we could not date other people, although I had no intention of dating anyone else. As far as the Match membership goes, as you well know - I have not had internet service until last night, I can access it on my work computer and I am limited to what I can do on my phone, so today is really my first chance to be doing anything on my computer - and your message came before I had the chance to do anything with my profile. Just wanted to clear that up. Take Care. p.s. any thoughts on how to get me back my router and get your sunglasses?”

While everything I said was true, even if I had access to the internet, my profile wouldn’t be down, you overemotional freak show. Anyhoo…About this time I went on Match and found he had updated his profile headline to say something about “Players Need Not Apply” HAHA, I was a player. Saweeeet. I then received this (and no, I did not add the graphics for effect...they were included in the original email. YIKES!) Also, I left it in its original form...as much as it pains me NOT to correct the misspellings/grammar - and believe me, it does.:

"Look, I'm very very sorry for what happened today. Its just you have to understand its like you were taking things I was having fun with and making them serious to the point where you thought we needed to have a talk about it all. You and I had a coversation laying in your bed about dating only one person at a time specially when there is intimacy going on and I take that very serious when it come to that. I don't just sleep around and I know you don't either. But its like I'm not suppose to tell you if I feel a connection that's closer than what I may have never felt with someone else, or a silly dream or something to that effect. I would've thought/hoped that with what we've both survived in our life time that you of all people would understand someone saying what's on their mind because we understand how quickly life can be gone. Its not like I said I Love You or anything. That's not even on my mind. But liking you, enjoying spending time with you, kissing you, holding you, playing guitar for you, singing for you are all things that I enjoy doing for you. I love the way I know it makes you heart smile and everything. So I guess what I'm getting at here is I'm very very sory for letting my lack of sleep and stress get to me. I don't want to you lose you/us and the friendship and closeness we've started to build here. So I'm going to leave the ball in your court. If I don't hear from you then I understand 110% and I will stay out of your life for good. Always,"

                   

 At this point, I’m pretty much at a loss. I do not respond. I then receive these:

"Please bear with me. I'm sending 7 pages of text. Right now I'm not doing so good. I've been at the hospital all night with my dad - he has stomach and liver Cancer! All I've done is cry most the night cause I know he's hurting. I have NO ONE to turn to and I'm very alone and scared. If I lose him, I will have no one.

I'm laying here with body pillow a mess and very alone and sad. Makes me miss my gpa and daughter so much and u and if we can't work this out.

I don't expect a response but I want to start off by apologizing from the bottom of my heart for my stupidness, better lack of judgment and maturity.

I felt hurt and stupid because things were taken how they shouldn't have been by both us us. In no way did I take what we have/had and ever make it out to be Something its not yet, nor did I have any deep feelings for this yet. I care about you. I respect you as a woman, a friend and someone who is learning or at one point was to trust me with having a part of her heart and I'm sorry I hurt u.

I don't make excuses at 33. I learn from those and never make the mistake a second time. I guess you can say I got scared cause u seemed to thinking I was taking us to a level that even my heart knows doesn't exist yet, but over time most

Likely that would exist but I'm a realist, ya I may be a hopeless romantic, but that doesn't mean I don't live in reality!!

I don't want to lose us/u and will do anything and everything to make up for my dumbness, retarded/hurtful words. That's not me. You know the real me, singing, laughing, romantic, caring, sincere and most of all someone who will fight to keep you in my life.

Again I'm very sorry for my actions!! I miss you and I hate not singing to you. I still want to see you tomorrow and stay with me. I'll leave the ball in your court! xoxoxoxox"

Where do I even start?! Stomach and Liver cancer?! And your dad?! You have over shared since the moment we met, and you never managed to mention the existence of your dad (although I have heard about his mom, two sisters, an ex-girlfriend and an ex-wife (oh, and let’s not forget the ex-husband of the ex-wife who he caught f#*@ing.)? Not likely.

But, even more concerning…A BODY PILLOW?! Were you painting your nails while you were at it!

So, I immediately reach out to my support group (read: Dawn, Mo and Nichole) to help draft a response. Collectively we came up with:

Dear, You are a nut job. Thanks for not waiting too long to show me that. You can drop my router off at the park and ride - my brother-in-law will be there to get it; he'll be packing heat. I broke your sun glasses. It's not me, it's you.

It also may have benefited your cause to remove the headline referring to me as a "Player" BEFORE trying to win me back. Who am I kidding, it wouldn't have helped your cause at all - probably should've never put it up there in the first place. Ass hole.

Love, Jodie  

p.s. do you bat for the other team?

p.p.s. I know you're a gay.

Award winning, I know. But, I sent this:

“I received your email and your text messages. I am sorry to hear about your dad. This is not going to work out - I wish you the best in your future, but please don't contact me anymore.”

I feared for my life a bit that weekend. Actually, I just feared I would wake up to someone playing the guitar and serenading me, outside of my apartment. So, I packed my bags and left for Saginaw.

The End.